The feeling begins in my chest. Its a tightness that doesn't go away. Its an over-analyzing of every word, look, action, post, etc. Its a feeling of "I am not enough" or "I am too much". Its a feeling of "I'll never be..." or "I should have never..." or "I never could.." Its as big as "I will never make them happy like someone else could" or as small as "This house will always be a mess."
However big or small you've experienced this battle, its awful when the fight is on. The past few days I've felt it intensely. Whether its hormones, stress, or just anxiety of the upcoming holiday's that always seems to set it: Its been real. From, not feeling like a good mom/wife/friend/daughter/sister to wanting to cry thinking of all the household projects needing to be done, I woke up at 430 am wide awake and could not keep my thoughts straight. I've been trying so hard to be what God wants me to be as a mom/wife/sister/friend/daughter that I was frustrated and felt not enough. I was even struggling with how I don't love my dogs enough. The dogs, people. The dogs who are completely happy with me throwing a disgusting bone for two seconds everyday.
Instead of lying there miserable, I got up, prayed, and got in the Word. I, then, began reading a book on my POSITIVE reading list. I began filling myself with things that brought peace as opposed to fueled that fear flame inside. And, eventually a light began to shine. I became intentional about not going down this rabbit hole.
I also, decided to be transparent. God doesn't make waste and even (especially) our struggles can be made into something GOOD. I think we like to paint this picture of peace and harmony. We even paint our struggles into neat pictures. When in reality they're messy and they don't get fixed right away and neither do our hearts. My anxiety is still there. Yes, His perfect peace surpasses understanding, but that peace doesn't always look nice and neat. I've struggled with anxiety my whole life, but I have grown because of it.
Instead of obsessive worrying I've been given truths to lean on. Here's two quotes from my 430 am devotional time:
John 6: 37 "All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away."
I can come to him with any worry, fear, need and he will listen. He will hear my heart and will guide me. Whether its through his correction or encouragement, he will lead me. I know he will never turn me away and I will never be too much or not enough for him.
"I do not fear opinion, gossip, or the idle chatter of monkeys, for they are the same to me," Andy Andrews
Yes. I needed to hear this. It should not matter to me one bit how others view my life, my choices, or my family.
