I don't believe God sends illnesses, but I do believe He allows them to happen for a reason. I looked in the motto this morning for the first time

since Sunday and I see a gaunt, skinny girl. Hardly the hearty women that was 39 weeks pregnant 2 months ago. 

Whenever I heard someone describe mastitis I heard them say: "I've never felt so awful." I always though that people had to be exaggerating...until I got it. 

Wow. It was brutal. 

I realize my gauntness is 2 months worth of not taking care of myself and blame cannot be fully placed on the infection. It's day after day of forgetting to eat or not drinking enough water. Or, when I did eat, eating unhealthy things. It's day after day of doing that and then going to then gym....and of course breastfeeding. 

I'm basically not taking care of myself. 

I thought it was awful and selfish to let him fuss and cry while I fixed a good lunch. I thought I was hurting him to lay him down so I could get another bottle of water. I thought it was laziness to nap when he napped. I have never been more wrong my entire life. And I have never been more rundown in my life.

I also felt pressured to nurse him a certain amount of time. I felt embarrassed to nurse in public. I felt overwhelmed and rushed with everything and everyone's opinions. Everyone's.

The rundown with the improper breastfeeding has lead to a difficult road and feelings of failure. Coupled by judgements on both sides of the breastfeeding argument and the emotional strain that comes with new motherhood I found myself in a dark place and then in a literal sick place. 

And so my New Year's resolutions  are: 

1) Be healthy. Grayson can't be healthy without his mama taking care of herself first.

2) Stop caring what others think. If I want to breastfeed, covered up in the middle of a restaurant then I will. If I want to wean at 3 mos, 6 mos, 12 mos or 24 mos I'll do it because that's what our family needs to do. 

3) Sleep more. Just because. I miss it. 

I've hinted at how rough of a past year I've had and how it's a result of other's actions and choices. I know some of you think "Dang, move on girlfriend," and trust me I'm trying. 

However, I took for granted how consuming being pregnant can be. I took for granted how the human body and mind go into survival mode in order to protect herself and the little one growing inside. I took for granted how the first 2 months of motherhood would bring on an onslaught of emotions. I took for granted feelings, that I had long thought dealt with, seem to seep out at 2 and 4 am feedings. I took for granted that the ability to lie to yourself and others goes out the window when you are sleep deprived. 

The bottom line is I am hurt and hurting and thought I was healed. I am in the process but pregnancy made that mending slow to a crawl. Now as I deal with a new role that cannot be undone, a new body that I don't always recognize and hormones that make me into a crazy lady I see that my healing process needs to pick up the pace. Motherhood brings enough need for healing when it begins in perfect circumstances. The emotional and physical drain of this awesome responsibility will bring you to your knees when you begin healthy and happy. 

My number one goal is forgiveness. Not just of people (although that's on the agenda as well), but of myself. I need to be easier on myself when it comes to my body, my reactions to life, and my abilities as a new mom. When I look in the mirror and I see purple scars on my side: I need to be proud of them. When I look at my belly and see a little extra pudge and a dark line running down the center: I need to be in awe it sustained life and  provided a home for a human being. When I don't wear an outfit that isn't made of cotton or spandex for days: I need to be grateful that I have a job that allows sweatpants. When I want to sit and cry: I need to allow myself the luxury. And when I am mad: I need to allow myself to be such. I don't need to pretend I've moved on if I haven't. I don't need to dwell but I don't need to ignore either. Forgiveness is not living in a fantasy land where pain doesn't exist.

I need to forgive others as well. Forgive them for their hurt even if I never know if they feel sorry for it. I need to be thankful for the ones that have apologized and did so sincerely and accept the fact that those that may not know the impact of their actions do not need to be a second thought in my mind. 

I also need to give myself permission to enjoy all of my blessings. I need to not allow myself to live in fear of losing them. While I have experienced a world turned upside down and it could happen again, I can't live as if it is every second. And with this realization I need to set goals for myself. Real, obtainable goals for me. 

So there it is. The reality of it is I am not okay. And I am seeing that's okay. I'm actually relieved that it's okay.