I've posted before about how breastfeeding is a hot topic. I have both ends of the spectrum in my life and I would like to think I fall somewhere in the middle. I've had equal amount of people appalled that I supplemented and those that cannot believe I am still feeding with no real intention of stopping right at a year.

I guess my stance is this: Do what is best for you and your family.

When I was pregnant, our family made the choice for me to stay at home. We are blessed but losing my salary hit us hard and breastfeeding was free. There was no deep, idealized picture in my head. Simply something I hoped I could do to help my family financially.

For the first 3-4 mos I suffered clogged ducts, infections, and mastitis. My only goal was to make it six months. This seemed less possible when I had to supplement after a particularly nasty bout of mastitis. I was one of the unlucky few who have a decrease in milk supply as a result. My husband and I made a choice to supplement. This choice was made after days and days of a hungry, screaming child, a crying, helpless mama and a frustrated Daddy. I went to the store and cried as I grabbed the formula, and felt ashamed as I checked out.

*Let me pause here. If I could go back in time, I would grab that tired, weary mama's face and tell her the following: "You have braved sickness and pain to feed your baby. You are doing the right thing right now. Hold your head high and never, ever feel guilty or ashamed for doing what's best for your child." If you have ever shamed a mama for buying formula to supplement or a mama who chose to formula feed, or simply introduced a bottle soon so that Daddy could feed baby,: you should be ashamed of yourself. Ashamed. *

From 6 mos- the present I have still battled clogged ducts here and there, but feeding has become second nature to me. We still have the formula for overnight stays with auntie or grandparents, but very rarely use it at home. We have a beautiful rhythm that has ebbs and flows just as anything else in life. However, as the year approaches I find myself receiving the question more and more: Aren't you going to wean soon? And, so another round of shaming and judgement ensues.

*Let me pause here. Since I am not the girl in the aisle, cowering because she feels like a failure having to buy formula, I can say with confidence: I will wean when I damn well feel it is best for my child. Yes, it's emotional comfort for both baby and me. However, it's also still beneficial health wise (http://www.lalecheleague.org/llleaderweb/lv/lvdec00jan01p112.html......if you don't believe me). And for my child and me it's what is right. Now, my baby may or may not need to go much past a year. Your family may have stopped for ANY of MANY reasons: AND THATS OKAY.

My son won't care how long he was breastfeed (he'd probably rather not think of his mom's boobs for any reason) and I really don't want him to care. However, I want to give him the example that I confidently and bravely did what was best for him and for my family. That's what you should want to teach your children.

So, pregnant mamas, do what's best for you. You will know in your gut. And, if anyone tries to guilt you, scare you, or shame you, they are self-conscious about their own choices of how they are raising or raised their kids and need to validate themselves by controlling you.

Buy that formula, confidently.
Nurse that babe, confidently.
Wean at 3, 6, 10 mos or 2 years, confidently.

Be a fierce Mama-bear who does what's right for her family no matter what.

PS: To all the shamers out there  (on either end of the spectrum) :🖕🏻

I had a wonderful conversation with a friend. She's an expert in hardships, unfortunately. She made the statement to me that I may never be as I was before my trials as of late...and that's okay.

It got my mind thinking. After my hard times, a period of healing has happened and during that period I have thought I will never be whole. But what if I am confusing "wholeness" to just a new version of me that's been shaped by difficulty?

For instance, a piece of my struggle-bus pie would be physical difficulties in the past two years. From mini-stroke, pregnancy, to postpartum recovery sometimes I feel I'm different than I used to be. Of course I am! But, if I look at my performance in the gym, ability to carry a 20+ lbs baby and groceries, and function on little to no sleep and function well...I wouldn't say it's a bad different! In many ways I'm able to push through what I used to think I never could. And, in many ways I've become okay with shortcomings that I used to be embarrassed by.

Another piece of the pie would be mental and emotional differences. The combination of life events have made me face issues that I never thought I would be able to do. I found my ability to forgive, my ability to push forward and change in spite of heartache. But, they've also taught me sometimes you have to put your own heart on the back burner. Your own desires and dreams may change: whether it's your choice or not. You have to learn to be okay with it. And, in this putting aside feelings and emotions (that generally can't be trusted) sometimes you see goals and dreams that are far more fulfilling that what you initially thought. I'm learning life doesn't stop because you're hurting. And, the best way to heal that hurt is to move along with the flow of life. Staying stuck only makes the hurt bigger.

So....emotionally I'm actually more stable and "better" than before (minus the hormones that children create in mamas).

I read this verse in a devotional I get via email:

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—

It's a fairly common verse, but one that was always seemed trite to me. However, there's nothing trite about the Bible. God is very purposeful in every Word He brings us. The verse was affirmation of what I was thinking about being different post-trial. We will not be completely "the old us" and we shouldn't want to. If we simply became what we used to be, the hard time would be useless. Nothing makes difficulties even more heartbreaking than knowing they are pointless.

My whole, rambling point: We are different and may never be the same after hardships. But, that's not necessarily a bad thing and sometimes is exactly what we need.

In the past few nights that we've really allowed Grayson to put himself to sleep....I've suffered from sleeplessness. I am wide awake after I hear Grayson moving. And, after he puts himself back to sleep in 10 minutes or less, I lay there for two or three hours. I toss and turn and become angry. The I-can't-sleep-irrational-anger that occasionally can bring you to tears.

I racked my brain for things I was eating or drinking or doing that could cause this and came up empty. Then, with a wave of tears, it hit me at 4 am this morning: I miss Grayson. Almost every morning (I use the word "morning" loosely) since he entered the world he has come to our bed.
Right or wrong, judge that if you will, I've snuggled with a little boy for almost 10 mos now.

I miss him. I miss his little head nuzzling against me or his little feet kicking Daddy. I miss his tiny fingers, kneading my arm as he snores. I miss kissing his sweet cheeks as I roll over. I miss him. As I said it out loud, in a whisper, in our dark house, I cried. I sobbed.

I didn't realize I missed it. I thought I wanted my own space. I needed to not have someone on top of me 24/7. My husband and I needed our own space. But, now the mama needs sleep-training. Now she needs to learn how to self-soothe. The babe is better at this than she.

I wish when people told me over and over "you'll miss this," I would have listened. When I complained my body hurt from sleeping in the bizarre positions you do with a babe next to you, I never thought I would miss it. When I complained that I couldn't sleep good enough with babe in the bed, I never thought I would be completely sleepless without him. I hope that in moments when it seems hard and awful, I think "Savor the hard. That's where moments worth remembering are made."

Sleep tight, little man. You are already braver and more independent than your mama.