I had a wonderful conversation with a friend. She's an expert in hardships, unfortunately. She made the statement to me that I may never be as I was before my trials as of late...and that's okay.

It got my mind thinking. After my hard times, a period of healing has happened and during that period I have thought I will never be whole. But what if I am confusing "wholeness" to just a new version of me that's been shaped by difficulty?

For instance, a piece of my struggle-bus pie would be physical difficulties in the past two years. From mini-stroke, pregnancy, to postpartum recovery sometimes I feel I'm different than I used to be. Of course I am! But, if I look at my performance in the gym, ability to carry a 20+ lbs baby and groceries, and function on little to no sleep and function well...I wouldn't say it's a bad different! In many ways I'm able to push through what I used to think I never could. And, in many ways I've become okay with shortcomings that I used to be embarrassed by.

Another piece of the pie would be mental and emotional differences. The combination of life events have made me face issues that I never thought I would be able to do. I found my ability to forgive, my ability to push forward and change in spite of heartache. But, they've also taught me sometimes you have to put your own heart on the back burner. Your own desires and dreams may change: whether it's your choice or not. You have to learn to be okay with it. And, in this putting aside feelings and emotions (that generally can't be trusted) sometimes you see goals and dreams that are far more fulfilling that what you initially thought. I'm learning life doesn't stop because you're hurting. And, the best way to heal that hurt is to move along with the flow of life. Staying stuck only makes the hurt bigger.

So....emotionally I'm actually more stable and "better" than before (minus the hormones that children create in mamas).

I read this verse in a devotional I get via email:

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—

It's a fairly common verse, but one that was always seemed trite to me. However, there's nothing trite about the Bible. God is very purposeful in every Word He brings us. The verse was affirmation of what I was thinking about being different post-trial. We will not be completely "the old us" and we shouldn't want to. If we simply became what we used to be, the hard time would be useless. Nothing makes difficulties even more heartbreaking than knowing they are pointless.

My whole, rambling point: We are different and may never be the same after hardships. But, that's not necessarily a bad thing and sometimes is exactly what we need.