I've got a sleeping baby on my lap, a list of law schools and my LSAT score on my lap top, bible verses sticky noted to my coffee table and a goal for my next tattoo. I am realizing I don't fit into a mold. I am not just a stay at home mom and housewife. I am not just a career-driven woman. I am a Christian and God has changed me, but He still created me to be me.

This is what I want for Grayson. I want him to know that you don't have to,probably won't and shouldn't fit perfectly into an already created mold. People's perceptions of who you ought to be are not what I want him to base his value. What if he wants to be a doctor who uses his money to fund orphanages and live in poverty? So be it. What if he wants to be a pastor who also owns a sky diving company? Go for it. If he wants to be an elementary school teacher and play in a rock band, then I'll be in the front row every show. If he wants to be a full time dad while his wife works, then I'd be happy to do coffee dates with him and my grandkids.

I just want Grayson to know that because you are BLANK doesn't meant you can or cannot BLANK.

I truly want to live this out for him. The transition from teacher to full time mama hasn't been easy. The transition from wild-child to Christ-follower hasn't been a walk in the park either. Some days I stare in the mirror and I don't quite know who I am. Before Grayson has memories that go beyond "Boob means milk" I want him to see a confidence in me that's not based on my job (or lack of one), him, his dad, hobbies, or even my own strength. I want him to see a woman who knows who she is in Christ and is not bound by any social expectation to be a certain way.

I want Grayson to be completely the Grayson God designed him to be and not someone the world has molded.

Following God and accepting His ways and plans is difficult. And when I say "difficult" I would be making a great understatement.

Sometimes it feels downright impossible.

My extended family recently had a tragedy hit that brought us all to our knees, made us hug our little ones tighter, and turn an eye to God with a big question of "Why?" One of my sweet cousins lost her 10 year yesterday. He was fine and then gone.

I know we are to trust God in all things, but I can see how people can stay mad at God for a lifetime. I've watched people ruin their own lives, try to ruin others, and live without care of others or themselves. Why do those people get to wake up everyday and suck while sweet Riley didn't get a chance to even make mistakes?

The Bible answer of "no one deserves this life" and words like "grace and mercy" seem to fall short in answering these questions. Because sometimes it seems some give all while others sacrifice none.

And it's always the good ones that are required to give the most.

So, to those life-wasters and ruiners (who I know snoop this blog) get your act together and be glad I'm not God.

To those who've been asked to give it all and you're on your knees without the energy to even ask why: God does have a plan. It's bigger than our why's and our anger towards Him. But it hurts. I know it hurts. I've been on your side of "why?" and "it's not fair". Hold on sister or brother. Hold on.

After a wonderful week with family I've realized a few things:

1. Even though being a stay at home mom is extremely difficult for me and at times I think I can't handle it: I truly enjoy being with my boy all day long. I love our routine and our little life together. I love how we know each other. I saw that he would look for me when things were overwhelming with activity. He looked as if to say: "Mama, hold me and give me a taste of our quiet."
2. Grayson does awesome with other children. Though he is too young to truly "play" with other kids, he enjoys their movements and their activity. Watching him with other little ones makes me realize I need to find a group for him to be with consistently. I think babes learn from other babes more than they can learn from us in the first few years.
3. Being around other moms makes things easier. Chaos is hard, but chaos with another soldier in the trenches makes it much more bearable if not enjoyable. Having a cup of coffee and cleaning up spit up while laughing with someone is better than going at it alone.
4. Maybe Grayson needs a sibling........maybe. Im not sold on this one, yet.
5. I'm blessed. I couldn't have Grayson without my inlaws. My little boy is a perfect blend of me and them. I've always loved them but seeing them through that lens makes me love and appreciate them even more.