In the past few nights that we've really allowed Grayson to put himself to sleep....I've suffered from sleeplessness. I am wide awake after I hear Grayson moving. And, after he puts himself back to sleep in 10 minutes or less, I lay there for two or three hours. I toss and turn and become angry. The I-can't-sleep-irrational-anger that occasionally can bring you to tears.

I racked my brain for things I was eating or drinking or doing that could cause this and came up empty. Then, with a wave of tears, it hit me at 4 am this morning: I miss Grayson. Almost every morning (I use the word "morning" loosely) since he entered the world he has come to our bed.
Right or wrong, judge that if you will, I've snuggled with a little boy for almost 10 mos now.

I miss him. I miss his little head nuzzling against me or his little feet kicking Daddy. I miss his tiny fingers, kneading my arm as he snores. I miss kissing his sweet cheeks as I roll over. I miss him. As I said it out loud, in a whisper, in our dark house, I cried. I sobbed.

I didn't realize I missed it. I thought I wanted my own space. I needed to not have someone on top of me 24/7. My husband and I needed our own space. But, now the mama needs sleep-training. Now she needs to learn how to self-soothe. The babe is better at this than she.

I wish when people told me over and over "you'll miss this," I would have listened. When I complained my body hurt from sleeping in the bizarre positions you do with a babe next to you, I never thought I would miss it. When I complained that I couldn't sleep good enough with babe in the bed, I never thought I would be completely sleepless without him. I hope that in moments when it seems hard and awful, I think "Savor the hard. That's where moments worth remembering are made."

Sleep tight, little man. You are already braver and more independent than your mama.