since Sunday and I see a gaunt, skinny girl. Hardly the hearty women that was 39 weeks pregnant 2 months ago.
Whenever I heard someone describe mastitis I heard them say: "I've never felt so awful." I always though that people had to be exaggerating...until I got it.
Wow. It was brutal.
I realize my gauntness is 2 months worth of not taking care of myself and blame cannot be fully placed on the infection. It's day after day of forgetting to eat or not drinking enough water. Or, when I did eat, eating unhealthy things. It's day after day of doing that and then going to then gym....and of course breastfeeding.
I'm basically not taking care of myself.
I thought it was awful and selfish to let him fuss and cry while I fixed a good lunch. I thought I was hurting him to lay him down so I could get another bottle of water. I thought it was laziness to nap when he napped. I have never been more wrong my entire life. And I have never been more rundown in my life.
I also felt pressured to nurse him a certain amount of time. I felt embarrassed to nurse in public. I felt overwhelmed and rushed with everything and everyone's opinions. Everyone's.
The rundown with the improper breastfeeding has lead to a difficult road and feelings of failure. Coupled by judgements on both sides of the breastfeeding argument and the emotional strain that comes with new motherhood I found myself in a dark place and then in a literal sick place.
And so my New Year's resolutions are:
1) Be healthy. Grayson can't be healthy without his mama taking care of herself first.
2) Stop caring what others think. If I want to breastfeed, covered up in the middle of a restaurant then I will. If I want to wean at 3 mos, 6 mos, 12 mos or 24 mos I'll do it because that's what our family needs to do.
3) Sleep more. Just because. I miss it.
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