Fear

Fear. If we were all honest with ourselves we feel it. Some of us allow it to have more control over us than others. I would be speaking about myself on this one. I have fear of the future, fear of the past, fear of the present, fear people, fear of sickness, fear of death, fear of being not good enough....the list goes on and on. Google is my worst enemy since the most common of symptoms result in death when one searches for it. In the past 8 1/2 mos. I have lived with the impending joy of motherhood. I mean "impending" in that I've lived most of my pregnancy in fear of what could or couldn't happen. Doctor's should tell you that wine, smoking, tuna, AND Google are not allowed during the gestation period of your child. My poor son has had more imaginary ailments (as have I) in the last trimesters than he will probably ever have his entire life.

This world is big. This world is tough. And many times it throws us dark things to deal with. Some people are given hope each time they make it through something or hear of others surviving life's guerilla attacks. Some people, like me, live in more and more fear the more darkness they encounter. The more I hear of bad things happening, the more I assume I am next. The more I experience hardship, the more I assume that's just how it is and it will only get worse.

However, God is teaching me that I am sorely missing out on life thinking this way.

Sin and choices of myself and others created a tumultuous year to say the least. Some were things that were unavoidable and random, but many were a result of my own lack of diligence. The joy and exhilarating adrenaline pump of a surprise pregnancy was quickly dashed by a selfish person. If you had asked me months ago I would have told you my life was horrible and I had nothing but burdens. I was so clouded by fear and bitterness that I couldn't even appreciate the miracle growing in my womb. That is something I will regret until the day I die: Not appreciating my son everyday of his life...even the sacred beginning.

I allowed The World to win. I allowed Darkness to achieve its goal of rendering me useless because I was obsessed with fear. But God specifically says this is not what He gives us. He gives us POWER and LOVE (2 Timothy 1:7). He is FOR us and NOT against us (Romans 8:28). He desires to see His children living in LIGHT in spite of the darkness. He does not say the darkness will not be there, but He commands us to FIGHT with the brightness He GIVES.

But its scary, God. That's what I've said for years if I am honest. Its much better to run under the radar and just live silently in fear. I feel as if I am almost hidden from the worst of attacks if I stay out of sight and out of mind. However, I am allowing the past year to teach me, that no matter how you hide...bad times will find you and the ones you love. We just simply choose whether or not to react with a spirit of timidity or of one that combats the darkness and says: "No, I will not be defeated because my God was not."

I am allowing God to help my focus be on His love and not the World's darkness. I am learning to allow myself to smile when I think of the weeks to come. I am allowing myself to hope for a future with my son and husband and not live in fear that someone or something will take one or both of them away.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made, but not created to walk in fear. I am trying to put fear away because the only fear I should have is for a God who LOVES me fiercely.

And, so, I climb back into the ring, take a deep breath, and confidently tap gloves with Darkness because my God is holding my stool, water, and heart behind me.